When "How Are You" Isn't Enough

How to care for each other when the world feels like it's falling apart.

Happy Monday, beloved reader!

Before anything else, I must share one of my favorite good news stories from the week. The governor of Maine, Janet Mills, went toe to toe with Trump at a Governor's address last Friday. After a classically bizarre ramble about women's sports, he called out the governor of Maine, who had already stated publicly she wasn't planning to follow the discriminatory executive order.

"You'd better comply", he said, "because otherwise you're not getting any federal funding."

She replied without missing a beat: "See you in court."

To read more about the whole exchange, check out Erin in the Morning's coverage. It made me smile to see allies stand up so fervently in defense of this community and not just immediately bowing down to Trump's every whim. This is also a critical reminder of the value of local elections: voting for your city council determines if your city could be a sanctuary city. Voting for your school board determines if your students will be affirmed by their teachers. Vote in every primary, every city election, every local seat. I promise the far right is showing up for every off season election. We need to as well!!

One of my posts from a few weeks ago, "Moving Tenderly Through the Winter of our Lives", continues to get quite a bit of traction. Based on the reception of that piece, I'm getting the sense that folks are hungry for warmth and gentleness, so I thought I'd spend a bit more time here. Today, I'm writing a bit more about togetherness.

Lately, I've heard from a lot of people in two camps:

1. Folks who are feeling isolated and fearful, and are wishing more people would reach out to see how they're doing.

2. People who are tremendously worried about their friends, loved ones, coworkers, and favorite Substack author, but aren't sure what to say or how to help.

I thought I would spend a little time helping bridge the gap between these two groups, especially as someone who's spent time in both.

To eliminate any doubt off the bat, if you have LGBTQ+ people you love, they are probably struggling right now. I don't tell you this to alarm you, I tell you this to encourage you to reach out, or have a conversation, or whatever feels right for you. It’s time to check in.

In times like this, the most beautiful, healing resource we have is each other. The people I choose to surround myself, the people I fill with love and who cherish me in return, are what keep my winters warm. Community is not a noun. It is a verb, a choice, a practice, a dedication. We build it and lean into it over, and over, and over again. So how can we be in better community with each other?

"Solution Focus" falls apart when the world is falling apart

Growing up, my dad's catchphrase was "solution focus!", which was incredibly helpful for most situations I found myself in. But now, I'm a high-profile trans rights advocate in Missouri. In many ways, solutions are not always in my control. For a lot of people this then creates a bit of paralysis: if solutions are good and dwelling on the problem is bad, how can I support my loved one if I can't fix anything?

A lot of us are struggling with a bone-deep powerlessness lately. As hard as this is on us as individuals, it can be even harder on us as friends, parents, allies, loved ones. What could I possibly say to make it feel better? How can I make it less scary? How can I make it stop hurting? How can I fix it for you?

I get it. Especially for my Gen-X readers and my more masculine-aligned folks on here, fixing is our support language. In the absence of an ability to fix, there is still so much we can do.

Resist the urge to look for an all-encompassing solution (more on this in a minute). Just as I discussed in my previous article about tenderness, what your loved one needs right now is warmth. To know that you're on their side. To know they aren't alone and that you care about what they're experiencing.

When we change the goal of support from "making my loved one feel better/fixing the problem" to "making my friend feel loved/less alone", supporting people feels much more doable.

Creating a support menu

This article is a toolkit, not a blueprint. Every person that we love is going to have different needs at different times. Check in with your loved one explicitly and ask "What does support look like for you right now?"

Sometimes, people aren't going to have an answer for that. It might be because they're struggling to come up with ideas. It might also be because they don't know what you're willing to do.

I can think of a lot of things that would be really nice for me these days, but they are far too big or specific of favors to just outright ask for, even from people I love and trust.

Reaching out with specific ideas for what you might be able to do to help, or keeping a shared note/document/list with these strategies not only takes the burden off your loved one to come up with ideas for what might help, they don't have to feel worried or guilty that they're going to ask for the wrong thing, or something that's "too much".

Critical caveat: Only offer to do things that you are completely willing and able to do at this moment in time. We want to build up trust that our loved ones know they can ask for support without guilt or shame, and we can do that best through reliability, honesty, and clear communication of boundaries.

Lately, my catch phrase has been: “Before you ask if I mean it, or preemptively apologize for daring to take me up on this offer, let me assure you that I will not offer things I don’t want to do. Trust that I will tell you if I do not have the bandwidth for something.”

Examples of supports to offer:

• Cooking a hot meal or freezable meal-prep

• Going out for lunch or coffee

• Playing a board game together

• Flying to visit

• Cleaning your apartment

• Going for a walk together

• Helping pay for an unexpected expense

• Coming over to play with my dog

• Space to vent/cry/yell about the state of the world

• Explicit no-politics zone

A few other helpful reminders when reaching out:

• I think I can speak for most folks when I say that I care much more about you being present than I do about you doing so perfectly. It's okay if you don't say the perfect words every time, what matters is that you're trying.

• We want to let our loved ones lead the way with how much they want to talk about politics while making it explicitly clear that we are a safe audience for these conversations.

  • "I know the world is a pretty rough place right now. If you want to vent or scream or cry or troubleshoot together, I'm here for you."

  • "I know there's been a lot of intense news this week. Would you like some space to talk about that?"

  • Sometimes, I hesitate to reach out to people for help because I know they're going to ask lots of questions about how I'm doing with politics, and I'm not always in the mood to talk about the state of the world. I talk about politics all day every day, and support for me usually looks like normal, goofy, friendly conversations about anything else.

• When your loved one is sharing their fears and frustrations, ask them what support looks like. "Are you hoping for advice, comfort, or for me to get angry with you?"

  • If they're looking for advice, remember that there are a lot of things we can't fix right now. But some smaller problems might be fixable. What connections or resources do you have that might help with job security, or finding an affirming doctor, or traveling out of state to get access to care?

  • If they're looking for comfort, try to focus on things you can speak to being true: "I'm not going anywhere. There are so many people in your corner. Look at this win out of federal court!" etc. rather than just a blanket "it's all going to be okay/it's not that bad", which tends not to land a bit tone deaf.

• Especially if you are an ally or are less impacted by the politics you're discussing than your loved one, be selective about how often you're sharing your own stresses or fears. These conversations might be better suited for other friends or resources in your network.

  • Note: please don’t apply this concern to me in a work context. I write this publication and created a role for myself to answer these questions and provide support to people. I cherish that I have become someone worth reaching out to, and I have a significant library of resources that I want to use to help you. Please continue to reach out to me if you’re frightened or need support!

Loving across state lines: Sending support from afar

What if your loved one isn't in a city where you can invite them out for coffee or come over to clean their apartment? Here are a few ideas for connecting no matter where you are:

• Any time you see a positive article about the LGBTQ+ community, send it to them. I promise, they've seen the bad news. But they might not have seen the good news!

  • I can think of a great source for some good news stories!

• If you see something out in the world that makes you think of them, or makes you smile/laugh, send it to them. Maybe it's a dog with a tutu. Maybe it's a funny bumper sticker. Maybe it's a song you think they'd like.

  • My favorite song this week has been “The Walk Home - Acoustic Version” by Young the Giant.

• "What's bringing you joy right now?/What are you getting excited about these days?" Most likely, your loved one is experiencing a mix of positive & negative emotions and experiences. Engage with the things they're feeling positively about. Get excited about those things with them

  • this is also a more effective check in than "how are you?" for determining if someone needs more help. If they answer that nothing is bringing them joy or they aren't getting excited about anything, that's our cue to start thinking about some heavier duty support.

• "Want to catch up soon?"

• "I just got a fun new game on Nintendo switch, can I order you a copy so we can play together?"

• "I'm Venmoing you 10 dollars, go get yourself some ice cream!"

• "I found a new local queer-owned restaurant bookstore in your area, here's a gift card!"

That’s all for now, folks! I’m off to the recording studio to keep working on the audiobook version of my book “My Child is Trans, Now What?”. I’m producing it by myself, so if any of you have any tips or resources for audiobook production, I’m all ears!

With tremendous love and tenderness as always. Thank you for being here.

- Ben