Joy is not a Solitary Emotion
Since I'm starting from relative scratch after my move, I figured I could show you how I'm doing it!
As many of you who have been around for a little while, now, I recently picked up my life and moved from St. Louis, Missouri to Orange County, California. Now that the boxes are unpacked, it’s time for me to start actually living here. Which is going to include making friends.
When I moved into college for my freshman year, I had a fairly easy time making friends. Yes, part of this is due to my extroverted nature; I walked up and down the halls of my building asking people if they wanted help moving in. But it was also because college is often an environment built around helping people build community.
You would literally stumble upon new friends at cool events being hosted on your walk home from class, communal seating at dining halls made introductions easier, you were assigned group projects with at least occasionally tolerable group-mates, and clubs would slip fliers under your door. None of this is by accident either: most colleges have folks whose entire job is to make sure that you make friends, attend events, and have a good time.
The world post-college isn't built like that—at least not on a major scale (yet). This leaves many of us, myself included, in the lurch. When I moved to St. Louis in 2020, I spent my first two years waiting to stumble upon someone who had done the heavy lifting to schedule and host the community event of my dreams, where I would walk in with no effort and immediately meet my best friends. I waited for the community to come to me. To send me a personal invitation, to arrive neatly at my door. As you might expect, my end result was having very few friends. Was this just how adulthood was?
When I got involved in advocacy in early 2023, that changed dramatically. Now that I’ve moved and mostly unpacked, it’s time for me to start building community again, and since I’ll be starting from almost 0, I thought this would be a good opportunity to preach what I’m practicing.
So, without further ado, the Good Queer News guide to building community from scratch!
Part 1: Independent Information Gathering
Today, I don’t have the energy to walk up and down my street knocking on doors asking who needs help moving in. Our time and energy are limited, so we want to start with some research on what's around us to decide where we’re like to invest those resources.
Research: People who are doing the fun things I'd like to do
I started with some google searches, and for my first round, I was looking to find people with at least two things in common with me. Most often for me, that means looking for queer inclusive spaces about things I'm interested in. My search history is littered with variations of "Queer DnD group Orange County", and "Trans sci-fi book club OC".
Then I broaden and look for places/groups with just one interest in common. Note: These can also all be super different. I'm trying to find a new aerial silks studio, and to make friends at my gym, and to find a new synagogue to be a part of. They may not all overlap very much, or at all. This can be excellent!
Any time I search for something and don't find it, I put a mental pin in it. I don't want to start anything new here yet, but I want to know what my options are. In two months, I’ll allow myself to start a new group if I haven’t found what I’m looking for.
Research: Where do people hang out?
This is a tricky one. Building community is harder if you aren't into drinking, bars, or clubs. But it's not impossible at all! I start looking up locations for my reliable "third places". Independent bookstores, coffee shops, libraries, etc. For me, I know the people I end up liking to hang out with are often frequenting these spaces.
Research: Who shares a passion with me?
Yes, we want to make friends through having fun, but being in the trenches of changemaking with people is what allowed me to build some of my most meaningful relationships. I started doing research on LGBTQ+ nonprofits and mutual aid groups in my area, as well as folks doing local-level sustainability and environment work. Pick 1-2 issues you are MOST passionate about and find the folks who care about that too.
Research: Pride Events!
Now is a great time to be building community. Look for any spaces that might be hosting pride events. These events are great places to make friends, and because the places hosting the events are most likely queer run or dedicated allies if they're having a pride event this year. Find a few that look cool, and put them on your calendar.
Part 1.5: Reach out to existing connections (if you have them)
For me, I was fortunate that I had a few friends up in LA and a couple friends here in Orange County. I let them know that I'm coming to the area, and am working on putting in a concerted effort to get lunch or coffee with those folks and ask them who and what I should know about the area! I am also transparent with them: I'm trying to make friends! Who do you know that I should know? (P.S. If that’s you and you’re in Orange County/LA and want to be my friend, let’s do it!)
Part 2: Talk to People!
Yes, I know, it's scary. I, too, have at some point worn a pin or Tshirt that said "I cannot people today". In order to motivate you, and myself, I'm going to briefly put on my tin foil hat.
I don't actually think we've all just become more introverted. I think we’re more tired. The pace of life is exhausting. The empathy fatigue is exhausting. Isolation is exhausting. Social media, entertainment companies, and convenience companies directly stand to make the most money when you want to avoid asking for a favor or going out into the world or turning off your screens. OF COURSE they will pull out a truly maniacal bag of tricks to manufacture the feelings that bring up the bottom line.
Relationship building is a muscle that might weaken a little if you don't use it in a while. But it is not too late to pick it up again and start practicing. It is a beautiful thing to be known. You are worth knowing.
Talk to people: at the places you researched!
This week, I've been going to the places on my research list and saying bluntly: "I just moved here from Missouri. I am hoping to make friends and get involved with the local community. Where should I go to do that?" Terrifying question. Here are the results:
The very queer staff of the coffeeshop I was at all introduced themselves to me, told me which events on their calendar were the most social, and shared a few other recommendations of places people hang out. Throughout the rest of my time in the coffee shop, they would pop over to share other ideas for making new friends.
At the local pride festival, people introduced me to their friends, sent me over to different booths with cool community leaders, swapped numbers, nerded out about books, and put meetings on the books for a local gossip-sesh.
I've emailed the leaders of a few groups I'm interested in joining socially, but am still waiting on a response!
Talk to people: one on one!
Now that I've met a few people and gotten a few business cards and phone numbers, I'm scheduling coffee, lunch, or pride event attendances to have a structured hang out. This is especially helpful to do with folks involved with advocacy organizations that are always eager for new partners.
Often in these conversations, I like to ask what I need to know about the different organizations and who fills what role in the community. What are the vibes of the different groups? Notably, I'm not signing up for any boards right away, I'm still collecting information about where I want to put my effort. I want to find out the history, the beefs, the “hot goss”, etc.
Step 3: Show up!
Show up at social gatherings and celebrations!
Whether it's a local bookstore hosting an author event, a coffeeshop hosting a pride night, or a drag bingo, know that so much love went into putting that event together. I am always touched by the handful of people I know will show up no matter what event I'm hosting. Set yourself goals and plan your introvert recharging activities: Today I will talk to three people. Tomorrow I will ask for one person's number. Then I will play videogames and take a long walk alone.
Fun fact: I have dispensed with pretense, and regularly ask people "you seem really cool, and I don't know how adults do this. Do you want to be my friend?" and have mostly gotten enthusiastic YES's in response. To be cringe is to be free!
Show up at meetings
Once you've done a bit more research on the different organizations and groups doing cool work in your area, pick one or two. Try to attend meetings as regularly as you can and establish that you’d like to be a member of that community. I like to bring a baked good on my second or third visit after ensuring that it'd be welcome. Bribing people with cookies is always a good idea.
Show up for the community
The two things that have made me the highest number of friends in my post-college life are:
1. Deciding to attempt to give a free speech to every PFLAG chapter in the country
2. Regularly testifying at the Missouri capitol, and joining PFLAG St. Louis as advocacy chair
In short: I've made my closest friends in the trenches. In carpools to the capitol, in planning meetings for protests, tabling at local pride events, and volunteering for other community projects. I’ve shown up, and made friends who show up too.
It doesn't have to be a big scary commitment. It doesn't have to be a protest. Volunteer at an animal shelter, or spend an afternoon planting native flowers in a local park. Show up for something.
Step 4: Be Inconvenienced
I've heard it said that being inconvenienced or annoyed is the price of community, and I think that's spot on. I love cooking food for people, giving them a back massage, reading over their resume for them, attending the events they poured their love into. I especially love driving people to and from the airport, which I view as a profound yet mundane act of love for another.
Some of these things cost money. Some of these things cost time. Some of these things are boring, or annoying, or I straight up do not want to do them in the moment. But I do. Because I do not build community for the convenience.
You can start in small ways. Offer to carpool with a friend who usually takes a long bus to your volunteer role. Prepare something delicious to bring to your next community meeting. Text a new friend "I'm on my way to the park cleanup! Can I bring you a coffee?". Show the people around you that you want to show up for them.
Step 5: Get Real
Get real with structure
One of my favorite relationship-building exercises is the card game "we're not really strangers", which builds on first impressions, sharing personal truths, and getting to know yourselves and each other far beyond a superficial level. It's emo, but I love it.
Sometimes I'll also offer a tarot reading, which is a fun but intimate look into someone else's life and what kinds of support they're looking for right now.
You go first!
Ask for support. Share a struggle. Request a favor. In so many relationships, people aren't sure what they're allowed to ask because they don't want to be a burden. If we never ask for any help, we are communicating a message that this is a superior way to be, that others should feel comfortable being weak but that isn't our problem. Only by opening up ourselves do we give others permission to trust us.
Respectful conflict is an act of love
If someone says something that doesn't sit right with you, if they aren't showing up for you in the way you need, or things are getting messy with a capital M, resist the urge we've learned to just walk away. The value of repair in relationships has been largely destroyed in the age of social media, which means that telling someone a way they can improve because they are worth keeping around if they can grow is a profound gift of trust. Being able to disagree and push each other is an often overlooked but mission-critical piece of a functional community.
What strategies do you use to deepen relationships?
Start Living in the World you Want to Build
We have many norms in this world about what is and isn't typical in a new friendship, what we can talk about, how much we can love each other. Quietly, we follow and enforce these norms, even if they make us unhappy, or lonely, or feel not just arbitrary but contrary to what we’re trying to build.
Simultaneously, many of us get lost in books and TV shows and elaborate fantasies of interdependence, mutual aid, chosen families. We envision a far-off utopic future in which we can finally build these rich, robust, favor-swapping, norm-breaking relationships. We’ll know once the world is ready for us to build these relationships.
Except, we don't have to wait for the world to be ready. If I want to live in a world where people, including men, feel free to say I love you more often, I will start sharing my love freely. If I want to live in a world where you can ask a stranger to be your friend, I will ask strangers to be my friend. If I want to live in a world where our relationships are sources of growth and strength, I must not cast myself nor my friends as villains in our conflicts. Wherever possible, I live as if I am in the world I am trying to build. By doing this, I get a little closer to building it for others, too.
Yes, sometimes I will bump up against existing norms or structures that are not built for the way I want to love the people around me, for the shape of the community I am constantly building. But I don't care. This isn't a sign that I'm doing relationships wrong, it's a mental note of another structure I want to work to change as I build a better world.
Isn't this what the project of queerness is all about? Redefining what it means to show up, to love, to reach out, to lean on each other?
Conclusion
Like I said, I'm still in the middle of doing all these steps. It will be messy, it will take time and effort, I will meet people I don't end up liking very much and people I end up loving tremendously.
Wherever you are on this journey, however long you've gone without community, you deserve to share love with the people around you. You deserve to feel seen, respected, and celebrated as you are.
Now, go forth and make a friend!
Gentle suggestion: As a nerdy Queer person, myself, I have found a home in the Society for Creative Anachronism. It's an international educational nonprofit focusing on early historical studies and recreation. It's delightfully geeky, socially messy, and ever evolving to balance the needs of modern community with the exploration and lore of the far past. After 20 years, I am still finding ways to build community, lean on friendship, make improvements and investments in the organization, and push for progress. I have met the most creative, generous, honorable, and kind people, and I have also found numerous gaming groups and Con buddies, through the SCA, along the way. I have also encountered the most amazing assholes and broken stairs; every community struggles with a few of those, now and then, so there's room for improvement and opportunity to lend a hand in that regard. There are a ton of local branches, throughout California, so if you don't vibe with one, feel free to explore another.
"To be cringe is to be free" should be taught in elementary schools and emblazoned on all the swag - hilarious, brilliant, and so very true!! Have fun!