LGBTQ+ Bingo and Label Freedom

A collaboration with Hinge to look at new data on queer loving and dating

Disclosure: This post is sponsored by Hinge, #HingePartner

A few months ago, I was contacted by someone from Hinge asking if I'd be interested in collaborating for an article. I've never done a sponsored post before, and I'm pretty strict about what this page represents and the kind of things I write about, so I was very hesitant at first. Sponsored posts could be a great way for me to keep my writing as free and accessible as possible, and to give me additional flexibility to spend time working on unpaid advocacy and support projects. At the same time, I also want to make sure I set rigorous guidelines for which collaborations fit with my project to keep up the integrity of Good Queer News.

As I read through the report they wanted me to focus on, it became clear that this collaboration would easily clear my high bar for something being worth writing about here. Their recent LGBTQIA+ D.A.T.E. report contains some beautiful reflections, some good news, and a clear positive investment of time and resources into understanding and supporting LGBTQ+ daters.

The report surveyed 14,000 people, and focuses heavily on label freedom and leaning into possibility. I've spent a lot of time grappling with (and eventually mostly giving up on) my own identity label, and I felt quite seen by a lot of their recent findings. I'm so excited to share more about the report!

Good Queer News: What Label Fluidity Tells us About Progress

One of the statistics that struck me right away in reading the report was that 45% of LGBTQIA+ Hinge daters have considered dating someone outside the gender or gender expression they're typically attracted to. Further, Gen Z LGBTQIA+ daters are 39% more likely than Millennial LGBTQIA+ daters to have reconsidered their sexuality label after an unexpected attraction. The overall theme: people are feeling less and less attached to their labels.

A graph about label fluidity in Gen Z

I want to zoom out for a second and put these statistics into some broader historical context to talk about why they're downright exciting to me. For so many people in generations prior (and very, very recent history), labels were critical. They helped us describe our experiences when we lacked words and role models, they helped us find community when we were isolated. We boiled labels and experiences down into the simplest versions possible to move cultural understanding and push for legal recognition. We had no choice but to drive home firmly the "my label is completely set in stone, I was born this way" narrative so that people would stop trying to change or "cure" our identities.

The fact that so many people—particularly in Gen Z but also across generations—feel able to break away from more rigid labels is a victory standing on the shoulders of countless LGBTQ+ rights advocates throughout history. Less people are focusing on doubting or changing our identities, we're more likely to have supportive parents or communities, we can see a diverse range of experiences on TV and in books. We are safe enough to widen the galaxy of what love and attraction can look like.

This isn't isolated to the LGBTQIA+ community, either. 28% of Hinge daters, both LGBTQIA+ AND heterosexual, say that developing an attraction to someone new has shifted the label they use to describe themselves. What a ray of hope this is about reductions in stigma and internalized homo/transphobia in helping folks see new possibilities.

For me as a trans person, I'm also heartened by what these statistics mean for folks in my community looking for love. Before I met my wife, dating as a trans person was rough. 5-10 years ago, when I was "on the scene" as it were, it was still relatively normal for people to wholesale say "I don't date trans people", or to say "I love you, but if you transition that doesn't make me a lesbian anymore, so I have to break up with you." I'm so hopeful that as more people are embracing openness and fluidity, that will create additional safety and opportunities for trans folks looking for love. If you thought trans people had a biological advantage in sports... just wait until you see our biological advantage in being hot and charming.

To me, these statistics feel like the inverse of the "canary in a coal mine" effect. They indicate to me that even while a small, loud group is doubling down on hate, out there in the world everyday people are growing and changing in really beautiful ways.

From Label Fatigue to Label Freedom

I often like to joke that I am a successful winner of LGBTQIA+ bingo. At some point, either before or after my transition, I have actively identified as each and every letter (and some in the plus, too) of the acronym. Some of them are even still "under review".

In earlier years, this was associated with both exhaustion and some shame for me. How could I be getting it so wrong so often? Was I ruining the authenticity of the label for those who were actually having those experiences? Why couldn't I just settle on something?

Is this something you’ve experienced before on your journey? Where have you landed?

Reading this report made me feel quite seen in some of the exhaustion I'd privately expressed about this fluidity, and I enjoyed the language Hinge put to the experience: Label fatigue. Overall, they found 28% of LGBTQIA+ daters experience “label fatigue”, feeling the pressure to define themselves within existing labels as limiting or inauthentic.

A graph studying label fatigue across LGBTQ+ Identities

If you twist my arm and ask me to put something on paper, I'll write down that I identify as "queer", but if there was an option to add a shrug to that answer, I'd do it. I've realized that at no point was I lying or wrong about which labels I was using. They were true for me in those moments, and they accurately described the patterns of attraction I was noticing at that time.

Now, full honesty, I identify as post-sexuality. Not just because I'm married, but because I had no more interest in trying to find the perfect relational label that captured what my gender identity/body meant to another gender identity/body. In embracing label fluidity, I granted myself label freedom.

Notably, this is not a moral choice, nor the path I think is the inevitable future for everyone. Some people feel set on one label, and that's beautiful too. Within a label that perfectly captures who you are, there is also a tremendous amount of freedom to be found. You do you, boo!

Building Label Fluidity Confidence for Queer Folks and Allies

I mentioned early in this piece that I felt like many of these statistics represented a shift in culture and stigma, and perhaps you're wondering how you can be a part of that movement!

Whether you're exploring your own identity, or want to better show up for your friends and loved ones who are on their own journeys, I would highly recommend you check out the full version of this report to see a more robust analysis of their full dataset.

I also want to spend the remainder of our time together looking at one of the really gorgeous adjustments that the report suggests: Moving from a ""what if?" model of dating to a "why not?" model. Essentially, instead of asking "what if people would make assumptions about me/I'm wrong about this?", we ask ourselves "why not see if there's something beautiful here?"

This aligns really nicely with my overall approach to life. If we avoid taking chances and risks, we'll miss out on really genuine changemaking opportunities. If we avoid new experiences, there are so many things about ourselves we'll miss out on learning. Make mistakes. Be wrong. Just live!!!

For those of you who’ve taken bold leaps to surprising new possibilities, what has that been like? What do you wish you’d known?

For my allies in the room, especially my parents, grandparents, and Gen X-ers and above, we're going to start working on sitting with some of the discomfort that might come up in these conversations. I know that so much of the narrative over the last 20-40 years focused heavily on label-rigidity and the "born this way" notion. With the growth of social progress, there is new freedom that doesn't necessarily mean your loved one isn't "picking one" or doesn't actually know who they are. It means they are safe enough to explore. I'd highly recommend engaging with the report as well as a way to start breaking down some past beliefs and as a way to learn more about your queer and trans family members and their dating experiences.

For my trans and queer folks here, what do you wish your allies had known/done to be more supportive while you were on your journey of finding (or re-finding, or re-re-finding) your label?

Conclusion

I genuinely loved working on this piece, and the research in the report aligns with so many of my experiences and key philosophies.

Remember, y'all: Love is a free and infinite resource, and labels are a TOOL we can use to support ourselves, not a legal document or a one-size-fits-all shirt.

Love who you want to love, how you want to love, and when you want to love.

I love you for being here!