Resilience is a Muscle—Let's Work Out!

Part TWO of a two part series on resilience building for queer folks and allies!

Hey, folks!

Before anything else, to my readers in Southern California I am so hopeful that you all and your loved ones are staying safe in these fires. If there are any resources I can lift up on this or subsequent newsletters, please feel free to send them my way. My heart is with you all ❤️

With many state legislatures coming back into session, now feels like a great time to write up the second part of my series on resilience.

If you haven't seen it already already, or you just want to have a quick refresher, check out part 1 here: You Shall Not Monger my Fear Today, Sir!

One other quick note: I’m hosting another free live event in a few weeks to talk about getting started in advocacy. I’d love to see you there! Check out the RSVP link here.

Flyer for an upcoming event on advocacy and resilience on January 27th at 8:15PM! Come hang!

As I'm sure you're aware, knowing what we're up against is only half the resilience battle. Resilience is not a genetic predisposition. It’s not a set quality or an innate skill. Nor is it automatically bequeathed to queer kids the instant they come out, no matter what the adults around us might like to say.

Resilience is a muscle that only gets stronger through training, and I want you to consider me your trainer giving you a tour of the gym equipment. I'm going to give you a boatload of ideas, routines, resources, etc. and I do not expect you to just immediately start doing all these things right away. Rather, I want you to look at this list and pick one or two things to try for a few weeks.

I know that articles about resilience and mental health are dime-a-dozen these days, so I tried my best here to present strategies that you may not have seen before. If you have strategies that have been really helpful for you, I want to hear about them too!

First up: There is no cheat code!

Regular movement, fresh air, time in nature and with loved ones & animals are recommended all the time for a reason.

To quote one of my favorite songs (Good Morning Sunshine, by the Narcissist Cookbook, which is deeply inappropriate):

“Here’s the thing: No one ever got happier sitting around waiting to get happier.

Every day we wake up and we get out of bed, And we get dressed, And we clean up last night's mess, And we keep doing these things, not because they're guaranteed to make us feel good

But because failing to do them? Guaranteed to make us feel bad.”

It certainly can’t hurt to give a little extra love to the bodies that carry us through the world.

Map out a Battery System

When I first got into public speaking, I found myself feeling exhausted and burnt out basically all the time. I loved my work, but knew I couldn't sustain myself like this. Enter: the battery system, derived from "Spoon Theory", which was created by Christine Miserandino to discuss the ways that different tasks take different amount of a limited pool of energy, particularly with a disability context.

I envision myself as having four separate "batteries":

1. Physical battery

2. Social battery

3. Teacher battery

4. Trans battery

Each of these batteries is drained and recharged in different ways. Sometimes, something that drains one charges another! I recharge my trans battery by spending time at community events or at my local trans community center, which also totally drains my social battery so I come home and read a book in beautiful silence.

For each battery that you have, become familiar with what makes it feel full or empty. Write out a list of "quick charges" that can help you restore that battery if it gets low mid-day, as well as "long charges" to help truly sustain you.

Then, map out your week ahead. When I know I have something coming up that's going to be very draining, I will plan something in advance that might counteract that. Maybe I packed myself a nice baked good for lunch during a long day, or planned to meet up with a friend while traveling in an unfamiliar city. Maybe I say "no" to a meeting or event that will come on the heels of an already challenging morning.

Our goal is to be able to avoid hitting empty as much as possible, and this exercise is a great way to do that while also learning more about yourself and your needs!

You are the Director!

It's critical to remember that you are not an audience member in the movie of your life. You aren't just the protagonist either, you are the director! You decide where to point the camera, what scenes are the focus versus hit the cutting room floor, who the other characters are, and what the background music is.

You decide what to look for, and because of confirmation bias, you'll find it. If you decide your life is bad and everyone is hateful and cruel, you will constantly find evidence to confirm that. If you decide that, on the whole, people are kind, you will find that instead.

I promise, I know that bad things happen. I'm a transgender activist living in Missouri. Even if I wanted to bury my head in the sand, we don't have any sand left to hide in over here. But I wake up every day and get to decide how much of my life I want to be defined by the hate of my republican senators, or the cruelty of people online or in my city. When something bad happens to me, where I can, I am always looking for a comedic spin to find a way to make the people around me laugh. I refuse to become another transgender sob story.

Develop High-Quality, Non-Monetized Hobbies

For so many of us, most of our downtime is spent passively alternating between screens (or, more frequently, mindlessly using all three at once). No judgment here—I spent years doing the same thing and calling it "rest" just so I could check out of my body for a little while. But I wasn't feeling any happier, calmer, more fulfilled, or more rested afterwards. I couldn't remember any of the videos I was scrolling by, wasn't moved by the TV I had on in the background, I needed to start finding ways to spend my time that were actually fun, or meaningful, or restful, or any other positive adjectives.

I started trying lots of random things. Crochet. Videogames. Reading. Writing poetry. Yoga. Circus fitness (yes, really). Some of them I was good at. Others less so.

It doesn’t need to be a skill. It just needs to be fun!

Also, no matter how many platforms and people are pushing you to find your next big side hustle, DON’T MONETIZE YOUR HOBBY!! The second you do, this turns a hobby into a job. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it means you need a new hobby. I love writing for substack, and fantasy writing is my hobby, but this writing is my job now. Especially now that I'm accepting payments, I have deadlines and obligations—that's DEFINITELY not a hobby anymore.

Here are a few ideas for some kinds of hobbies to try!

A screenshot from my live presentation about resilience building!

Adjust your thought patterns

There are two thought patterns I come across in myself and other advocates that are constantly stealing our joy. Resilience building is learning how to recognize these—and other—unhelpful thought patterns and interrupt them. There is another way!

Unhelpful thought: “We can’t rest on our laurels. We still have so much work to do!”

Reframe: There is no finish line. Celebrate all the victories as they come.

Often when I report on positive queer stories, I have people saying things like "yeah, I guess that's good, but we still have so much further to go! This isn't enough!" And yes, there always will be further to go, but that's the thing. There's always more to do. If you are waiting until you cross the finish line to celebrate, you're going to feel miserable and unaccomplished the whole time. The finish line will be a mirage on the horizon. I am always celebrating the victories so that I can see the payoff of my hard work, can build on feelings of hope, and can stay sane, even while keeping my eyes up towards what's next.

Unhelpful thought: "We don't owe each other anything"

Reframe: We owe each other everything.

This social media catchphrase truly grinds my gears. While it might sound very rah rah self care, I think it's just rugged individualism wearing a therapy hat. Just as we believe we are owed kindness, gentleness, forgiveness, we must understand that so is everyone around us. Turns out, our preschool teachers were onto something with that whole “treat others how you want to be treated” stuff.

To share one of my favorite quotes around this topic:

We are all just walking each other home. - Ram Dass

Ask for an annoying favor. Drive someone to the airport. Make a double portion of soup and share it with a friend. Ask for help. Share a fear. Be a human, in all your beautiful you-ness, surrounded by humans in their beautiful them-ness.

Housekeeping :)

If you know someone who would benefit from hearing good news and dreams of resilience like this, don’t forget to share this newsletter!

And I’d love to see you at my live event in a few weeks. It’s free!!